Bring on the Messy…

Parts 3 and 4 of this Scapegoat series will be penned by anonymous guest writers. I’ve asked friends who have gone through the trauma of adultery to share their journey on the rebuilding of their marriage. In the first Scapegoat post we followed the woman caught in the act of adultery and her encounter with The Healer, Jesus.  Stay tuned for my friends and their bold courage…

But for now we will chat over our coffee about messy. Life is messy! It has taken me many years of living to realize that imperfect reality…life is messy….relationships are messy….I am messy. I was raised in an alcoholic home qualifying me for a name-badge of “adult child of an alcoholic”. To some people that might seem like a shameful thing to admit, but for me that badge became the key to my freedom.

If you know anything about addictions, you know that a whole family becomes dysfunctional…not just the addict. One of the codependent behaviors I developed was the need to control. My family of origin was chaotic, full of conflict, and unpredictable. When I married at 19 yrs. old I was determined to control everything and everyone so I never had to live in chaos and conflict again. The saying, “if mama ain’t happy…ain’t nobody happy” definitely applied to our home. As years passed it was obvious my life wasn’t working….my marriage wasn’t working….my self-appointed title of Jr. Holy Spirit was not impressing anyone. My life was a mess and I was not in control of one darn thing.

In the late 1980’s I happened upon a  ministry for addicts and their families and my journey of healing began. The knowledge I was soaking up like a sponge was not for excuse making or blaming my parents for my behavior, it was to give me the tools to take a long hard look at my own heart and soul …why I did what I did….and make the choices to change. The power to change , even to want to change, came from the power of the Holy Spirit and my personal relationship with Jesus. I could not stay the way I was or I would have destroyed everything and everyone I loved the most.

I recently sat in on a conversation between a husband and a wife. The wife needed to talk through some marital issues that were weighing on her. When asked to sit down with her, the husband gave an exasperated eye-roll, heaved a big sigh, and sat across from her. You could tell they had played out this scenario many times before.

It was interesting to watch their well rehearsed dance of dysfunction. She was the direct communicator and he was the passive-aggressive conflict- avoider. He accused her of verbal pot-shots and she asked why he couldn’t love her. Oh my, it was messy.  His response to her questions and concerns were…”This is the way I am…live with it”.  

Her next question to him was this…”What about your faith? Doesn’t it make a difference? Shouldn’t a relationship with Jesus change us? Make us better?” He had no answer….

On that note their conversation ended. I asked her if she loved this man…”Absolutely”, she said. I asked her if she wanted the marriage and she assured me she did. Thankfully she knew the importance of taking care of herself emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically and that she had no power to change her husband. She was not responsible for him. She would continue to pray for him and love him as best she knew how.

It certainly wasn’t a fairy tale happy ending. It was messy and would probably continue to be messy, yet she seemed at peace with that reality. Her identity was not in the marriage or trying to make her husband love her. Her identity was in who God the Father said she was…

2 Corinthians 5:17-18 Therefore , if anyone is united with the Anointed One, that person is a new creation. The old life is gone-and see-a new life has begun! All of this is a gift from our Creator God, who has pursued us and brought us into a restored and healthy relationship with Him through the Anointed.

I’m sure you have messy areas in your life as well.  I’m praying you stand up straight and tall and look your emotional baggage in the eye and say…

“Bring it on….  I know my God is bigger…”

May you know the peace that passes all understanding…

the peace that reassures your heart and stands guard over your heart and mind in Christ Jesus…{Philippians 4:7}

May you know that the Father God has made a way for you to be free of the chains of the past…

If you belong to Jesus there is no condemnation awaiting you…only the power of the life-giving Spirit freeing you from the vicious cycle of sin and death.{Romans 1:1-2}

I pray you run boldly to God’s throne to receive mercy for your messy failures and receive with open hands His amazing grace…{Hebrews 4:16}

Jesus calls to you to take off your rotting, tattered garments of shame, guilt, bitterness, unforgiveness and joyfully put on your new wardrobe of compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength and discipline…{Colossians 3:12-14}

You are loved by the Creator of the universe….He knows every thought you think before you think it…every word you speak before you speak it…

He surrounds you on every side and He has placed His hand gently on your shoulder…

He sees you in your darkest night …

You are His unique creation…filled with wonder and awe…

Nothing about you is hidden from His sight…

I pray you treasure His thoughts and plans for your life…

They are as numerous as the grains of sand on the earth and the stars in the sky…{Psalm 139}

May you close your eyes and rest tonight knowing He has given His angels charge over you…{Psalm 91}

Amen and Amen…

Blessings to you my precious coffee friends…